Sciatica!

Dear god, you wanna talk about irony? As soon as I started this blog, I totally trashed my sciatic nerve doing laundry.

Laundry!

Bending down to pull the wet clothes from the washer, bending down again to toss them in dryer. Couldn’t pull it off. My mother, 70 years old, she does laundry at least three times a week, no problem. I do two loads in one day? It very nearly crippled me.

Two days I was walking around like I had scoliosis and a bad case of diaper rash. Just kinda waddling along, keeping my back as straight as I could, but something about the muscles down in my lower back–I don’t know. They just couldn’t support my upper body. I kept having to lean on things and lie down.

And if you’ve never had sciatica before–’cause you take care of yourself, unlike me–the pain, it just radiates down your leg and into your foot. Or your whole leg goes numb while your butt cheek tingles. Or it does what mine did and just cycles through all of it. Pain, numbness, tingling. It’s ridiculous.

Oh, and what did I do for the first week I had it? Did I maybe do some stretching? Did I do some light exercise and apply alternating heat and ice packs like everything says you should do? Did I maybe learn from all the other times over these last few years that I’ve had this crap flare up on me?

Nope!

No, I just laid and sat around the house, letting those muscles get good and tight! And I made sure to sit in only the worst chairs in my house, so all the pressure of my enormous girth could bear right down on the nerve.

It took me about a week to get smart–and angry–enough that I finally just said “Fine!” and actually started following the advice I should have been following right along:

Don’t sit in a chair for more than 20 minutes in any hour.

And after three weeks of avoiding chairs like they’re covered in leprosy; taking long, slow, easy walks; doing some light stretching; and generally babying this thing, I’ve actually managed to get mostly pain free.

But holy hell, does this thing suck. And I can tell, it’s not actually gone, it’s just dormant. It’s gone into hiding, like the Zodiac killer and big hair.

I need to get the weight off, man. That’s what’s gonna fix this. Lose the weight, take up yoga, and just never sit in a damned chair again for as long as I live.

Anyway, that’s why there’s been no updates. Typing on my phone stinks, and sitting in my office chair makes my sciatica scream like a eunuch stubbing his toe. Now that I’m finally mended up, or as near to it as I can get while I’ve still got this gut, I’ll try to get something new here every week.

And now? I’m gonna go do some old man stretching exercises and figure out what to do with the rest of my day.

Hope you have a great week!